the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
