Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
