And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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