summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
