Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
