I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
