if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
