I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
