I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
