Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
