I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
