i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
