no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
