What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
