It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
