Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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