I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
