Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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