question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
