I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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