sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
