you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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