tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just found puke in my bra..
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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