I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
