Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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