I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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