Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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