in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
