she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
