I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
