have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
