Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
