we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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