put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
