i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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