I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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