You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
