I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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