glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
