this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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