Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My dick has a subreddit
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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