It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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