Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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