There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
