i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
we're so committed to being not committed
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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