you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
