this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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