the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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