You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
