How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
